I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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