You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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