Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
