Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
