wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
