when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
