i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
