saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
