Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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