my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So squirting runs in the family.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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