I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
