I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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