She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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