I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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