My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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