I'm pants shitting drunk right now
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think I just sharted jello shots
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
