I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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