I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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