my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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