Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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