My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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