ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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