Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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