I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
