I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
