There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
