I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
