Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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