Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize