sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
