Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize