Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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