I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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