I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
