i was born a porn star she said
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
