I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
