She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
