did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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