I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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