The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize