3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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