I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i drank out of a bidet.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
