someone get that fucking seahorse.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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