yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
