Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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