Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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