I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You're like the curious george of whores
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
false alarm, still single
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