He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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