when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
