I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
