i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
