Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just forgot I was standing up.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
