are you still at the devil's house?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
