I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
