Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
