I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
