i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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