I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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