you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
