i just sent this text using only my big toe
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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