3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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