he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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