so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want to be your penis for a week.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
