hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
