Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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