Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
