No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
