I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
its liver damage thursday
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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