my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
