So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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