so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
