my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize