perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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